Explore and Share Famous Mitch Hedberg Quotes, Sayings, Quotations, Slogans etc. Enjoy These Mitch Hedberg Quotes By Sharing With Your Friends, Relatives and Love One’s On Facebook, Whatsapp, Twitter, Gmail, etc. Mitchell Lee “Mitch” Hedberg was an American stand-up comedian known for his surreal humor and unconventional comedic delivery. His comedy typically featured short, sometimes one-line jokes mixed with absurd elements and non sequiturs.
Motivating Mitch Hedberg Quotes
I can whistle with my fingers, especially if I have a whistle.
A severed foot is the ultimate stocking stuffer.
A waffle is like a pancake with a syrup trap.
All these jokes have been pre-approved as funny by me.
An escalator can never break: it can only become stairs. You should never see an Escalator Temporarily Out Of Order sign, just Escalator Temporarily Stairs. Sorry for the convenience.
Bologna is a deli meat for people with eyes.
Do you think I am standing here, making this up as I go? I am sorry to disillusion you. I am not Robin Williams. I am the king of the pen.
Dogs are forever in the push up postion.
Every book is a children’s book if the kid can read!
Every time I go and shave, I assume there’s someone else on the planet shaving. So I say, ‘I’m gonna go shave, too.’
Fettucini alfredo is macaroni and cheese for adults.
I bought a seven-dollar pen because I always lose pens and I got sick of not caring.
I don’t have a girlfriend. But I do know a woman who’d be mad at me for saying that.
I drank some boiling water because I wanted to whistle.
I had a stick of CareFree gum, but it didn’t work. I felt pretty good while I was blowing that bubble, but as soon as the gum lost its flavor, I was back to pondering my mortality.
I haven’t slept for ten days, because that would be too long.
I know a lot about cars, man. I can look at any car’s headlights and tell you exactly which way it’s coming.
I like Kit-Kat, unless I’m with four or more people.
Remarkable Mitch Hedberg Quotes
I like refried beans. That’s why I wanna try fried beans, because maybe they’re just as good and we’re just wasting time. You don’t have to fry them again after all.
I like to hold the microphone cord like this, I pinch it together, then I let it go, then you hear a whole bunch of jokes at once.
I like to play blackjack. I’m not addicted to gambling. I’m addicted to sitting in a semi-circle.
I once saw a forklift lift a crate of forks. And it was way to literal for me.
I recently took up ice sculpting. Last night I made an ice cube. This morning I made 12, I was prolific.
I remixed a remix, it was back to normal.
I saw a human pyramid once. It was very unnecessary.
I think foosball is a combination of soccer and shish kabobs.
I used to be a hot-tar roofer. Yeah, I remember that… day.
I used to do drugs. I still do drugs. But I used to, too.
I want to get a vending machine, with fun sized candy bars, and the glass in front is a magnifying glass. You’ll be mad, but it will be too late.
I wanted to buy a candle holder, but the store didn’t have one. So I got a cake.
I was at this casino minding my own business, and this guy came up to me and said, “You’re gonna have to move, you’re blocking a fire exit.” As though if there was a fire, I wasn’t gonna run. If you’re flammible and have legs, you are never blocking a fire exit.
I wear a necklace, cause I wanna know when I’m upside down.
I wish I could play little league now. I’d be way better than before.
Famous Mitch Hedberg Quotes
I would imagine that if you could understand Morse code, a tap dancer would drive you crazy.
I’d like to get four people who do cart wheels very good, and make a cart.
I’m a heroine addict. I need to have sex with women who have saved someone’s life.
I’m against picketing, but I don’t know how to show it.
I’m gonna fix that last joke by taking out all the words and adding new ones.
I’m sick of following my dreams. I’m just going to ask them where they’re goin’, and hook up with them later.
If carrots got you drunk, rabbits would be messed-up.
If I had nine of my fingers missing I wouldn’t type any slower.
If my kid couldn’t draw I’d make sure that my kitchen magnets didn’t work.
Is a hippopotamus a hippopotamus, or just a really cool Opotamus?
It’s very dangerous to wave to people you don’t know because what if they don’t have hands? They’ll think you’re cocky.
It’s weird… people say they’re not like apes. Now how do you explain football then?
My belt holds my pants up, but the belt loops hold my belt up. I don’t really know what’s happening down there. Who is the real hero?
My fake plants died because I did not pretend to water them.
My friend asked me if I wanted a frozen banana. I said ‘No, but I want a regular banana later, so… yeah.’
My sister wanted to be an actress, but she never made it. She does live in a trailer. She got halfway. She’s an actress, she just never gets called to the set.